Student Spot
Qualitatively exploring continuing bonds: Navigating spousal bereavement through keeping the deceased alive
Adela Pakandlova
The experience of spousal bereavement can be life shattering, and the grieving process which comes after is inevitably difficult. Recent psychological research has found that those who are bereaved exhibit deterioration in emotional and physical wellbeing. Yet some bereaved show resilience when positively changing their lives and transforming their difficult experience. The present study explores the phenomenon of continuing bonds in spousal bereavement and its role in the adjustment. A qualitative approach was chosen due to its exploratory nature of personal experiences and 11 stories in form of blogs were analysed by using Thematic Analysis. The findings demonstrate continuing bonds to be comforting and pleasant, however contradictory feelings were also experienced. Thus, the present study proposes that the experience of continuing bonds in bereavement not to be a dichotomous one. This study argues for a perspective of ‘both-and’ rather than ‘either-or’, and that the role of continuing bonds can be twofold; adaptive as well as maladaptive. The findings are discussed in relation to previous research. The implications of the present study suggest professionals carefully examine the authentic experiences of bereaved individuals to consider whether continuing bonds is an appropriate part of intervention, suitable to individuals’ needs, in moving them towards recovery.
Keywords: Spousal bereavement, Continuing bonds, Thematic analysis, qualitative research
Introduction
Spousal bereavement can be one of the most traumatic experiences in one’s lifetime (Carr, 2016). This tragic event brings changes over time, for instance, changes to sense of self, to relationships with others, and to perceptions of life. These have all been well documented in bereavement research (e.g. Hansson et al., 2007). A common experience arising in the process of spousal bereavement is a phenomenon called ‘continuing bonds’ (Klass & Steffen, 2017). This represents a way of keeping the bond with the deceased person while adapting to a new reality after the loss (Klass & Steffe, 2017). Continuing bonds and its potential role for grief resolution has become a topic of research over the last few years and remains a focal point in the bereavement literature (Hewson et al., 2023; Mancini et al., 2015; Ross et al., 2018).
As evidence shows, continuing bonds is a very complex matter for many different reasons (Stroebe et al., 2006). Firstly, the variety of ways in which a person can keep the bond is rich, yet may feel like not being varied enough (Hewson et al., 2023). For instance, the bereaved may be aware of and consider many different forms of continuing bonds while trying to ease their sorrow; however, it may simply feel like there are not enough ways of maintaining the bond with the deceased in the process. This demonstrates the importance of helping the bereaved to explore as many options/interventions as possible for them to find the ‘right’ way to connect with their loved one, in moving towards recovery (Hewson et al., 2023). Furthermore, the types of continuing bonds may differ over time (Ross et al., 2018; Sands et al., 2010). Mancini et al. (2015) found continuing the relationship with the deceased to contribute to an enhanced adaptation to a new life between 1.5 – 3 years after the loss. However, in contrast to these results, Kaltman and Bonanno (2003) measured the continuing bond relationship throughout 5 years after the loss, and found those who kept a strong bond with the deceased exhibited more complicated grief and feelings of higher hopelessness and distress. Ross et al. (2018) emphasised that continuing bonds tend to transform over time, with bereaved individuals displaying different types of bonds after 6, 12 and 24 months. Interestingly, the bereaved placed greater emphasis on the quality of the ongoing relationship with the deceased around 24 months after the loss (Ross et al., 2018). This is an interesting finding since the second year of bereavement is well documented to be harder than the first one, and thus, the adaptive role of continuing bonds can be twofold: focusing fully on maintaining the ongoing relationship with the deceased may not be possible while yearning for the connection with them during the second year, or alternatively, keeping the bond may serve to soothe the distress the bereaved individual goes through (Feifer et al., 2023). These findings illustrate the complexity of continuing bonds in spousal bereavement. For instance, different forms of continuing bonds were established and the timespan of keeping these bonds varied across the bereaved individuals (Ross et al., 2018). As evident, further exploration of these individual differences regarding continuing bonds is needed to further understand implications for future research and therapeutic interventions (Feifer et al., 2023).
Additionally, the most beneficial form of continuing bonds has not been clearly established (Stroebe & Schut, 2010). Keeping the deceased alive through maintaining the bond can manifest as, for instance, holding memories about them and about the previous life the partners experienced together, talking with the dead spouse and even keeping the deceased’s possessions (Black et al., 2021). Moreover, dreams about the deceased, hallucinations and holding rituals are also evidenced to be forms of continuing bonds (Elsaesser et al., 2021; Goodhall et al., 2022).
Whether the bereaved person chooses to maintain the bond and in which way, also depends on many factors (Rothaupt & Becker, 2007). This may depend on the quality of the relationship the partners had together, the personality of the surviving partner and the attachment style in which the reaction to the loss is rooted (Lykins et al., 2023; Mikulincer, 2008). Findings about the extent to which continuing bonds are helpful for the individual remains ambiguous (Lykins et al., 2023). For instance, qualitative studies exploring bereavement found the bereaved to value and to want to keep the continuing bonds, as individuals sought solace in these bonds (Goodhall et al., 2022). However, a minority of the bereaved experienced continuing bonds to be rather distressing since it triggered their old pain and thus the bonds were discomforting (Martínez-Esquivel et al., 2023). This trend was often found to occur for individuals with an avoidant attachment style (Hewson et al., 2023).
Recent studies exploring continuing bonds in bereavement demonstrate many different forms of continuing bonds to have both an adaptive and a maladaptive nature. (e.g. Hewson et al., 2023). There is still a paucity of evidence about the role of time when preserving continuing bonds (Goodhall et al., 2022). Further investigation is needed for practitioners to be able to tailor or create interventions suitable to the bereaved individuals’ needs to ensure provision of effective support. Further, there is a need to reduce the stigma around continuing bonds in bereavement as some bereaved still report grieving in silence, thus experiencing deterioration in their wellbeing (Ross et al., 2018). Therefore, the current study aims to further explore the experience of continuing bonds in spousal bereavement; more specifically, what types of continuing bonds individuals employ and find soothing and/or (dis)comforting.
Methodology
Study design
A qualitative research method is appropriate for this study as it is based on understanding individuals’ interpretation of their experiences and seeks to understand its meaning (Hennink et al., 2020). This method allows the researcher to gain better insight into how individuals perceive and construct their reality (Hesse-Biber & Leavy, 2011). Therefore, using a qualitative approach made it possible to explore the experience of a spousal bereavement and the grieving process in depth. Furthermore, spousal bereavement is a very subjective experience and qualitative research methods allowed me to delve deeper into its complexity.
Personal stories in the form of blogs were chosen for analysis. This was valuable for two reasons: 1) the current study was conducted during the Covid-19 pandemic, and so it was problematic to find and interview bereaved spouses face-to-face (Stroebe & Schut, 2021; Talevi et al., 2020); and 2) the wide reach of the internet allowed a broader pallet from which to explore this complex process.
Participants
Purposive sampling was used to obtain the data of the bereaved. Inclusion criteria comprised of blog writers being over age 18, have experienced spousal bereavement and be either women or men. The sample of this study consisted of blog posts from 11 participants who had experienced spousal bereavement: ten women and one man. All the participants were North American and stated they were above the age of 18 in their blogs about spousal bereavement. Since the stories were found on the internet and interviews were not conducted, detailed information about the participants was not known, for instance, the length of time since the spousal death. The blogs focused on the experience of spousal bereavement and did not detail further personal information about the bereaved themselves.
Procedure
The first step of this study included finding publicly available stories that would be rich in data and descriptive, as I sought to understand what it is like to go through the grieving process after the loss of a spouse. This included looking at which blogs about spousal bereavement were available on the internet while trying to find the richest stories. Initially, ‘the best blogs about spousal bereavement’ was typed into the Google search bar. More stories were found after searching ‘blogs about widowhood’, ‘spousal bereavement stories’ and ‘surviving the loss of a spouse’. This searching allowed me to read many stories and to decide which would be the most appropriate for the present study, based on the inclusion criteria.
Ethics
Ethical approval for this research was granted by the Middlesex University Psychology Research Ethics Committee. Bereaved individuals’ welfare was protected against enquiring about their experiences, for example through an interview, since data were available online from publicly accessible blogs. Confidentiality was considered for the present study and did not present a complicated matter as can be the case when conducting interviews. This was because the information about the participants was available online if they decided to share it publicly. Anonymity was further ensured by including all the participants under a pseudonym and by paraphrasing quotes carefully to ensure meaning is not lost or changed.
Analytic approach
Thematic analysis (TA) was adopted as the most appropriate method for analysing the data. It allows the researcher to observe and capture the similarities across the data set (Braun & Clarke, 2014). These common patterns are then categorised into themes which answer the research question (Braun & Clarke, 2014). Thus, thematic analysis enabled the observation of commonalities in the grieving process after the loss of a spouse.
This thematic analysis was based on a critical realist ontological approach which claims that individuals have their own unique perceptions of the world around them (Hesse-Biber & Leavy, 2011). Thus, interpretation of reality is subjective and there is more than one absolute truth (Sullivan & Infurna, 2020). In line with an interpretivist epistemological stance, the researcher focused on the interpretation of individuals’ reality to gain a better understanding of their experience (Silverman, 2011). Furthermore, this thematic analysis was conducted inductively.
The first step of TA analysis required reading the data multiple times to make sure I became familiar enough with the data (Terry et al., 2017). This step allowed the researcher to better understand and delve into the participants’ experiences. The next step involved coding each blog and mapping all the information which answers the research question (Braun & Clarke, 2014). The codes were then clustered into emerging themes, and subsequently clustering these (Clarke & Braun, 2012). However, while coding and producing the themes, it is a necessary part of the analysis process to go through the codes again (Vaismoradi & Snelgrove, 2019). This is to make sure they all characterise the same theme as they may be irrelevant or dissimilar (Vaismoradi et al., 2016). After this revision, the names for the themes which would be relevant to the content of data and depict it most appropriately were selected in addressing the research aim and question.
Reflexivity
The present study focused on the grieving process after the loss of a spouse, and even though I am not a widow myself, I have grieved for many things in my life over the last couple of years. While reading stories about widowhood, I empathised with feelings of loss which the grieving process can bring. I also noticed myself feeling very sad and it was very painful at times. It evoked my own memories, my own pain hidden deep down in my soul and in my heart. I have worked to ensure that my own experience did not intertwine with the participants’ grief. This would negatively influence the research process with the risk of writing about me rather than about them (Dodgson, 2019).
To do this, keeping a reflexive journal throughout the research process is advised when conducting qualitative research (Dowling, 2006; Leavy, 2020). I followed this step together with undertaking my own therapy which helped me to bear and to work through my own adversity. Thus, it enabled me to disentangle my own experience from the experiences of the participants as much as possible.
The present study explored the role of continuing bonds in spousal bereavement. The findings section blends analysis with the discussion of previous research. This allows the presentation of the complexity of continuing bonds in the context of spousal bereavement research. The theme of ‘Continuing bonds; keeping the deceased alive’ will be discussed.
Continuing bonds; keeping the deceased alive
The findings from the present study show that the bereaved participants expressed a desire to continue the bonds with the deceased. It could be suggested that an ongoing attachment has been created where the participants kept the spouse alive through creating a dialogue with them. Additionally, participants showed strong and vivid memories. They also expressed a sense of surrealism when trying to live a new life without their loved one. Continuing bonds and adapting to a new different (and difficult) reality was depicted by Alice:
‘It has been a few months since you disappeared, but it feels like much more each day you are not here.’
‘Could there ever be more distance in our closeness than there is now, when you are not here with me anymore?’
‘It has been very hard to let you go, I often wonder if it is and will it be fully possible to live without you, I sometimes refuse to confront this new reality.’
These three quotes are revealing in many ways. Alice chooses to describe her feelings to her spouse. In other words, she appears to keep him alive. The example of a continuing bond with a deceased can be seen clearly here.
Her words ‘more distance in our closeness’ illustrates a metaphor for a new relationship being created. Alice describes their togetherness as balancing or as an interplay between the closeness and the distance hanging between them.
The following quote further illustrates a form of the ongoing attachment to the deceased. Alice continued writing, and reflected about the loss with a melancholic statement about refusing to acknowledge the loss of her spouse. Adjusting to a new reality and the continuing bond with the deceased was even further depicted when Alice wrote:
‘The idea of the massive distance between us being together is something that keeps coming back to hit me and I have not fully come to terms with it.’
These examples show how Alice is reflecting on a new reality without her partner, and the process of adaptation is further depicted by this extract. Alice appears to keep the bond with her spouse; however, she realises that their togetherness will never be the same as before. Incorporating the loss into daily life is possible; however, it is a challenging process which requires time and endurance (Klass, 2006). It usually happens over time, which differs for each individual (Bonnano & Kaltman, 2001).
This study’s findings were illuminating as participants displayed a trend of incorporating their spouse in a new form, when characterising their felt presence:
‘Although you are not here with me anymore, I still feel your energy every day.’ (Alice)
Similarly, another participant expressed the presence of their spouse as the following:
‘Looking back on all the new starts in our new lives over the past four years, I can feel him with us and I am not alone. He is a part of the new starts although not in physical form.’ (Julie)
Continuing bonds present a form of ongoing attachment to the deceased which was found to help the individual work through the loss and move towards a new life (Bonnano et al., 2005). In other words, this ongoing relationship is associated with finding a new purpose and meaning in life (Neimeyer et al., 2006). There is, however, a dilemma which occurs when maintaining the bond hinders rather than facilitates the adaptation process (Dekel et al., 2022; Jones et al., 2023).
The present study evidences continuing bonds with the deceased. Participants found their own ways to incorporate their loved one into their new life. However, the present findings did not provide insight into participants’ particular attachment style. Moreover, this study did not delve into the quality of the relationship between partners before the loss. Previous research shows that the extent to which the bereaved individual continues the bond is also associated with the quality of a previous relationship (Black et al., 2021; Field et al., 2003). The present study did, however, reveal different forms of continuing bonds among those participants who reported keeping strong memories of their previous life with their partner:
‘I believe that our passion and love for dancing brought us together without coincidence, we enjoyed dancing together, we never knew when to leave the dance floor.’ (Alice)
‘Everyone’s mind was preoccupied by the incidents in London, while I could not stop thinking about our honeymoon in Ibiza. My memories brought me back to that special time with you, I could picture every single detail from back there, we were fully present and could not be happier together.’ (Emanuel)
These two quotes from Alice and Emanuel depict how memories demonstrated to be an adaptive way to keep their bond with the deceased. Their vivid memories seemed to bring comfort. As mentioned above, continuing bonds is a phenomenon known for potentially contributing to a successful adjustment, however, it is also associated with a consequent maladaptation to the loss (Dekel et al., 2022; Eisma et al., 2023). The present findings revealed that participants found it helpful to keep the bonds in the form of memories, however, they also reported conflict when recalling memories – finding it both helpful and painful. The following quotes present how participants experienced memories:
‘Looking at this photo of our holiday in Sevilla reminds me of our loving time. I find these memories comforting.’ (Alice)
‘memories help me to stay connected to you, it makes me smile every time I think of you’ (Emanuel)
The contradiction about the effectiveness of memories was given meaning by the following quote:
‘Anyone who has been through this understands that these consoling memories from an amazing past quickly disappears when smacked with a present that is not so amazing.’ (Emanuel)
Similarly, another participant expressed a form of continuing bonds and her related feelings about her memories:
‘Having enormous photos of Lucy at hung up at home have been very comforting when I was mourning. The photos reminded me of her healthy self and of our happy life together. Suddenly, the same photos make me very sad, and I found myself sobbing. They now became something that shouts at me of the new painful reality that cuts me deeply, which is my life without her.’ (Atlas)
Memories were evidenced to be a comforting way to keep the deceased alive (Hewson et al., 2023). However, as illustrated by Atlas, memories can also cause the individual to experience distressing feelings. Therefore, this demonstrates that memories can be adaptive as well as maladaptive when considering continuing bonds in spousal bereavement.
When looking at effectiveness of different forms of continuing bonds, more empirical evidence is needed. Field et al. (2003) found individuals who continued the bonds displayed high levels of distress. These findings are in line with Boelen and Lenferink (2020), who also found bereaved individuals experienced distress when maintaining the bond. However, the study found that it depended on the type of bond which the person kept.
Boelen et al. (2006) looked at two ways of continuing bonds: memories and possessions of the deceased. Memories were associated with an intense grief whereas keeping the possessions was associated with a less intense grief reaction (Boelen et al., 2006). Contrarily, a systematic review by Hewson et al. (2023) showed the prevalence of research to indicate both, keeping the memories and possessions of the deceased to be reassuring while promoting resilience in the bereaved.
Black et al. (2022) explored continuing bonds through dreams about the deceased. Some bereaved individuals shared the adaptive nature of those dreams; the bereaved perceived it as comforting, while preserving a greater connection with their loved one. Furthermore, the dreams also helped with improving the relationship with their grief; in other words, it facilitated going through the difficult emotional experience of the grieving process (Black et al., 2022). The adaptive potential of dreams is in line with the findings of Ali et al. (2021), who found the bereaved to value their dreams for many reasons; they experienced a greater spiritual growth while hoping for a reunion with the deceased. Furthermore, it decreased their loneliness in everyday life (Ali et al., 2021).
Importantly, some bereaved individuals reported the dreams to be rather unpleasant since it was associated with triggering many memories and has been described as exacerbating the pain (Black et al., 2022). This maladaptive nature of dreams of the deceased was associated with a deterioration of wellbeing (Black et al., 2022). Attention to the nature of dreams about the deceased in bereavement was first discussed by Garfield (1996), who emphasised they are important for the adjustment process after the loss of a loved one. The current study’s findings show both, adaptive and maladaptive potential of the dreams in the adjusting process (Black et al., 2022; Hewson et al., 2023). Further investigation is needed to explore whether dreams can contribute to a better adaptation after the loss.
The present findings are in accordance with previous research (Black et al., 2022; Hewson et al., 2023) and show evidence for the relationship between the type of continuing bond and grief reaction. The studies can be viewed as problematic, however, as they assessed the grief reaction while continuing the bond at different times after the loss. In contrast to the current study’s findings, Field et al. (2003) argue that it depends more on the extent to which the person continues the bond rather than on the type of bond per se. Again, the present findings shed light on the complexity of continuing bonds in bereavement.
Overall, the current study found the concept of ‘continuing bonds’ to be a meaningful one, as participants reported memories to be comforting and pleasant. However, contradictory feelings were also reported. Thus, it is argued here that the experience of continuing bonds in bereavement is not a dichotomous one. This study argues for a perspective of ‘both-and’ (Burnham, 1992) rather than ‘either-or’. Through thematic analysis, it has highlighted the complexities of the bereavement process, to yield a more nuanced understanding of spousal bereavement. Nevertheless, the present study did not assess the time span after the loss. This could have been a potential issue as continuing bonds and its effectiveness in the adjustment may change over time (Hewson et al., 2023; Klass & Steffen, 2017).
Limitations & future research
Although both the women and men participants expressed difficulty in the grieving process, application of the findings should be even further considered since all the participants of the present study were North American. Ethnicity plays a role in the grieving process as every culture has different habits and different ways to deal with death (DiGiacomo et al., 2013; Lalande & Bonanno, 2006; Laurie & Neimeyer, 2008; Richardson, 2014). This consequently influences the grieving process; the way the bereaved deals with their emotions, which coping strategies they employ and further, the accessibility of certain coping strategies and interventions may be different in every culture (Richardson, 2014). More evidence is needed about spousal bereavement that accounts for both cross-cultural as well as individual differences, which future research could investigate.
Conclusion
The present study illuminated the complexity the grieving process after the loss of a spouse. In particular, the role of continuing bonds in the grieving process was explored.
The present study argues for the understanding that continuing bonds can have an adaptive as well as a maladaptive nature in bereavement. The present study demonstrated continuing bonds to be comforting as well as distressing at times. Therefore, the present findings lend support for continuing bonds not to necessarily be thought of as the ‘correct’ choice for all bereaved individuals. Professionals should consider these personal differences while carefully accessing and exploring the experience of the bereaved to prevent greater discomfort and hindering of the healing process after the loss.
Correspondence
Adela Pakandlova
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